blAcKr0sE

I dreamt of you last night. It was the first time. I was surprised; I haven’t had dreams for a long time and then this. I was happy; we were fooling around, laughing and having fun. I was thankful; I get to see your lovely face, I get to feel your warm embrace. Then when I woke up, I felt really sad and it hurt deep inside.

They say our dreams are our deepest longings, guarded secrets and suppressed emotions. Probably it is true. I do want to spend time with you; I do want to feel you. But I know that this is impossible.

I regret a lot of things. The chances that I took for granted, thinking you’d always be there. Thinking we’d always have the time to make up for what is missing.

I always think of what would have happened if I took the chances, if I hadn’t let the moments slip by. What would things be like? What would we be like?

Tonight as I slumber I wonder, will I see you once again? Will you hold me just one last time? Will you be with me in my dreamland?

bogoshipda dimsum..forever in my heart..:-*

I choose to love you in silence,

For in my silence I find no rejection.

I choose to take care of you in my loneliness,

For in my loneliness no one owns you but I.

I choose to admire you from a distance,

Because the distance shields us both from human woe.

I choose to kiss you in the wind,

Becasue the wind is more gentle than my lips.

I choose to caress you in my dreams,

For in my dreams there is no end…

This is for you. Someday when I read this again, I hope it will remind me about what I’m feeling now. Hopefully you know who you are and hopefully you still remember me. Wo ai ni…

It hurts when we risk our hearts and it ends up being broken. But what hurts even more is when we still hold on when we already know that we’re waiting for nothing…

How can one ever continue to being friends with somebody when everytime you look at that person, all you can think of is how much you want to be more than friends… 

Do we ever know the meaning of life? Do we ever realize how lucky we are for the blessings that we have received? Or are we too preoccupied of the mishaps that we have encountered in our lives?

How long do we expect to live? 50? 60? 70? 80? Maybe 90? Who knows? Do we ever think and ponder about the things we do in our lives?

What if suddenly something turns your world upside down? Completely revolved your life and you can’t do anything about it. And imagine all of this happening to you in the most important stage of your life. Do you blame others? Yourself? Or do you even blame HIM?

What do you do if you can’t stop the pain? Do you cry or weep? Do you get frustrated? Do you ask, “Why does it have to be me? What did I do wrong?”

Thoughts of you can’t seem to leave me. I always find myself wishing and thinking that I hope I can be there to ease your pain. But what can I do. Every time I see you, I get glued to where I’m standing. How I want to hold your hands and stay by your side to at least ease your pain. But I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to act when I’m around you. And I’m scared…really scared. I might not have the chance to see you again. I may never see your face, hold your hand or feel your sweet embrace.

This feeling sucks. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way. I barely know you. I barely talk to you.

I wish I hadn’t gone and saw your condition. I wish you hadn’t held my hands and asked me. I wished I just didn’t know. But then again, I’m thankful I did. I’m just not sure why I’m acting this way. I don’t have the right to feel this way. But I do. I get so affected, so depressed and so…

You call your friends whenever you can’t tolerate your pain to ease it. I wish you’d call me too…

its really been a long tym since i opened and
wrote sumting in here…its just dat i somehow came to realize dat im
missing so much things in my lyf. I got a mesage from one of my frends
and she told me ol d things dats been hapening in  her lyf. i was so
thrilled and happy for her, but at the same tym i was jealous. iam, i
really am. i realized how she is discovering the world, seeing its good
and bad side, enjoying lyf, teenage lyf in fact. she is just out der
doing new things dat shows her how the real world really works. some
may think dat i have more opportunities in lyf bcoz i now live in a
foreign country where lyf is good and easy and well, better off
compared to living in philippines where the economy is steadily going
down (not to mention the increased 12% VAT) and lyf wasn’t as good as
it was 20 yrs ago, but actually im not. i feel deprived of my youth. i
should be out in the der doing wat i want, stuff dat will enable me to
conquer the world and help me realize wat i want and who i really am.
but no, instead im here, stuck in a basement, writing a whole bunch of
nonsense things. if i was born here, maybe i would appreciate more of
wat dis country has to offer me (and my family), but i just came here
and d timing is really, really bad. im in my teens, d peak of my lyf,
the zenith of my entire existence where i get to try things, be
overwhelmed or depressed by its results and just live my lyf to its
fullest. but no, instead im stuck in a job dat im beginning to hate,
starting my lyf again wid no frends, no house, no nothing, just
memories of wat i used to have. its really devastating for me. i cant
even study d course dat i really like bcoz its too long and i need to
get a real job to help my parents with monetary issues. i need to
graduate in a course dats in demand and practical and requires a
shorter tym to finish so dat i could get a job. i have nothing against
dis, its just dat, dis is not really wat i want. but i need to do it.
lyf sucks for me at d moment. i dont knw if its ever going to be as
good as wat i pictured my lyf to be. i can only hope for d best ….

it’s been long since i even opened my friendster account..life has been a little bit merciful to me thus, providing me with some friends that i could hang out in school. i no longer have to sit in the one corner of the caffeteria and eat my lunch together with all the other rejects of the school. i no longer have to plead for the librarian to let me stay in the library even though its closed (when there are activities or something like that) so that i would have some place to resort to and read some books to preoccupy my mind from all the emptiness that i feel. i no longer have to  sit in class quietly and keep my thoughts to myself and let my saliva rot in my mouth. it has been a rough and bumpy ride since last sem. i had to find my place in society. i had to adjust and bend with all the rules and expectations that has been burdened on me.  but after i’ve done some thinking…it doens’t really matter what i do…nobody will ever notice the LITTLE girl that doesn’t fit in the society. there’s so many things to be attended to. i have never been so convinced in my life that i can actually be invisible. two dasy ago, i took a test and my teacher forgot to give me my test paper, TWICE. i am that invincible! he just passed by me. so, although i have managed to have some company and be a little be acquainted with the existing vain society…i still am very much INVISIBLE…

funny, stupid and nonsense facts about me…

when i was in elementary i was the tallest kid; now i’m the shortest (very obvious)

befrore i had long hair, then short and now again, long (i’m planning to cut it though)

i used to have a lot of boy friends, all at the same time; now i don’t have have a single one

before, i used to very carefree and high spirited; now i’m plain and boring

i used to be very talkative; now i’m as silent as the wind (as if)

i used to just study and do homework; now i have to work and get paid (yeah)

my classes used to start at 7:30; now it starts at 8:15 (that means more sleep,hehhe)

i used to have 8-12 sub. per sem; now i have FOUR (rock on free time)

before i didn’t know about this BLOGs; now i’m typing stupid, nonsense things to keep myself busy

now, this is what i consider total crapness in which one can’t benefit from…it’s a total waste of someone’s time in reading this but a good way of spending my time with, this is better than total boringness that i’m experiencing right now…

when i was a kid i wanted to be a great person someday. i wanted to be somebody.i’ve always thought that i was special. i was academically good, i had lots of friends (more than what i could wish for), and a carefree spirit burning inside me, anticipating what great things i could share with the world. but time seems to fly so fast and i’m suddenly lost in it’s whirling winds carrying to places that i’ve never new. but i tried to cope up, tried to fit in and as they say "glow with the flow" but in the end i realize that i’ve been carried away too much. i don’t know where i am now. i’m basically lost amidst all the things that life has brought me. i know that i wouldn’t be here if i only made the right decision but how sure was i that what i chose was the right or the wrong choice. i think there’s no telling what the right answer might be and that’s what makes things worse, i don’t know if i’m the right track or not. suddenly my carefree spirit has lost it’s spark and is just now a lonely glow in the midst of a dark night. i was destined to do great things, or so i thought…but then again, maybe it’s not too late for me to do great things…

just minutes ago i had all these great ideas running through my empty head but the moment i started typing it all kind of faded away…and now i’m struggling of what more sensible things i could talk about…[long pause]…and just as i was about to give up and delete all the things i typed something popped of my mind…i thought of how something so pure and true just suddenly disappear…how can love just "disappear"? you meet this certain person so beautiful and divine, you just helplesssly for that person. everything freezes,time stops, it’s a picture perfect scene. you confess your love and cupid (who’s always there to help) shoots his arrow and experience the greatest thrill of your life…falling in love…all’s perfect,heaven and stars collide. after a while the relationship encounters obstacle, but love won’t give up..love conquers all as what you both said…us against the world…you both promised…but promises are ment to be broken and one day you just found out that it’s over.you don’t talk to the person, you dismiss everything that is related to that person…i don’t undertsand why good things end in such a bad way (with some few exceptins, of course). why can’t it just go on forever?i guess it just proves the fact that nothing is permanent in this world. and that’s a very harsh thing, no matter how you hold on to something,it just slips through your hands like sand, like sands of time.one moment your happy, you feel like you could die tomorrow and before you know it,the earth is crumbling down on you and you wish you could just die in that moment…life’s just a great journey, each road you take leads to a completely different place.it’s just up to you to trust your heart and believe in it’s true power…